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/ Like an expensive sports car,           \
| fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was   |
| sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red   |
| jumpsuit moulding her body, which was   |
| as warm as seatcovers in July, her hair |
| as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing |
| like bright hubcaps, and her lips as    |
| dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the  |
| hood; she was a woman driven -- fueled  |
| by a single accelerant -- and she       |
| needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift  |
| from his views, a man to steer her      |
| along the right road: a man like Alf    |
| Romeo.                                  |
|                                         |
| -- Rachel Sheeley, winner               |
|                                         |
| The hair ball blocking the drain of the |
| shower reminded Laura she would never   |
| see her little dog Pritzi again.        |
|                                         |
| -- Claudia Fields, runner-up            |
|                                         |
| It could have been an organically based |
| disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a   |
| tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but  |
| after a thorough neurological exam it   |
| was determined that Byron was simply a  |
| jerk.                                   |
|                                         |
| -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up               |
|                                         |
| Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton |
| Bad Writing Contest. The contest is     |
| named after the author of the immortal  |
| lines: "It was a dark and stormy        |
| night." The object of the contest is to |
| write the opening sentence of the worst |
\ possible novel.                         /
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                       \                    ^    /^
                        \                  / \  // \
                         \   |\___/|      /   \//  .\
                          \  /O  O  \__  /    //  | \ \           *----*
                            /     /  \/_/    //   |  \  \          \   |
                            @___@`    \/_   //    |   \   \         \/\ \
                           0/0/|       \/_ //     |    \    \         \  \
                       0/0/0/0/|        \///      |     \     \       |  |
                    0/0/0/0/0/_|_ /   (  //       |      \     _\     |  /
                 0/0/0/0/0/0/`/,_ _ _/  ) ; -.    |    _ _\.-~       /   /
                             ,-}        _      *-.|.-~-.           .~    ~
            \     \__/        `/\      /                 ~-. _ .-~      /
             \____(oo)           *.   }            {                   /
             (    (--)          .----~-.\        \-`                 .~
             //__\\  \__ Ack!   ///.----..<        \             _ -~
            //    \\               ///-._ _ _ _ _ _ _{^ - - - - ~